It’s easy to blame others for our own feelings of discomfort, especially when it seems as though another person’s inconsiderate or poor choices are directly the cause of our suffering. The frustrating truth is that these feelings and reactions are in actuality our own doing and therefore our own responsibility.
That is a tough pill to swallow.
Especially when another person’s words or actions are offensive or cruel. And we as humans can be terrible to each other at times. But in these moments when we feel hurt or hard done by, it is wasted effort to try to transfer or infuse our own pain to the person we have decided is the cause. It will never work. We may succeed in making another person feel some guilt, shame or even remorse, but this is not the salve to heal our own wounds.
This is an important topic to me. I’ve wasted precious time and energy on fighting for the principle of the matter. And even the few times where I could say I won, I lost. I lost my time and a bit of my sanity, and I got nothing truly valuable in return.
If there are people in your life that constantly leave you feeling angry, hurt or betrayed take this as an invitation to lovingly let go of the relationship as it is. You can and should continue to love those dear to you but it’s okay to stop putting yourself in positions where you constantly come out hurt and frustrated. It’s okay to take a hard look at your relationships and say, it just isn’t working. From this point comes the real opportunity for growth and reward. The relationship can now end or it can evolve. Either way, we get to sit in the driver’s seat of our own emotional wellbeing and this includes cultivating loving and equitable relationships that are worth our energy.
Intuition is a seemingly innate ability to sense a correct course of action without any supporting evidence. Statements such as I just knew are often associated with decisions attributed to one’s intuition, but I’d argue against doing so without considerable reflection. Not because our gut feeling might be wrong, but because I doubt the existence of intuition.
I feel that we are shaped by so many different experiences and interactions that it is hard to be completely conscious of them all. I believe what we often credit as intuition is actually a subtler example of learned behavior. Perhaps we experienced a negative interaction at some point with someone wearing an orange shirt. We may not even realize it but our brain has probably held onto that information and the next time we see someone wearing orange, our body gives us a sense of insecurity that may feel as though it is without cause, and thus attributed to intuition, but is in fact because of our past experience. This is more a shaped instinctual response than anything mystical.
Why does this distinction matter? I think we should care because it is easy to get on automatic pilot and react without much reflection or consideration of deeper pulls for our knee jerk decisions. We may miss exciting opportunities because we are trusting our guts, when in fact we are letting past trauma and fear steer the ship. Or we put ourselves in harm's way because we just have a good feeling about something, when we are actually allowing something that feels positive like excitement act as the captain because excitement has felt good in the past, and not because we are necessarily making the best decision in the present moment.
This is not an argument against trusting ourselves. Absolutely not. It’s actually a plea to do just that. While I question the existence of intuition in its inexplicable and spiritual incarnation, I wholeheartedly believe in mindfulness and trusting our own goodness. When we can do this, we can push through fear, excitement, lust or sadness, without attaching to these experiences as having deeper meanings in need of blind action. We can open to what is honest and truly in line with our values as interconnected beings. We are open to the input of our thoughts, feelings and emotions, but we see them for the fleeting experiences that they are, rather than allowing them to become erratic and unreliable guides.
As the world grows closer through the aid of technology, it also grows more overwhelming. We are bombarded every day with news stories of more human and environmental tragedies. Sometimes these ignite a passion in us to help and we offer our unique gifts to the world in hopes of making it a better place. Other times, we want to hide and pretend that it’s not happening. In the same vein of turning a blind eye, we often feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness and choose to focus on our own material gains without regard for the rest of the world because the alternative is too damn hard.
So what do we do? Where do we begin? Do we save the whales? Should we donate to a disaster relief society? Should we physically place ourselves in the epicenters of suffering and do what we can to help?
I propose that we start here. Just in this moment, just in this breath. We start in our own hearts. We are shaped and moulded by an infinite constellation of genetics, family and society, and it can be really challenging to sort through it all to realize who we are and what matters to us. But we have to. We must take on the automatic responses we have to our world and examine them for their authenticity. We must look at our own lives and become truly discerning for what is enriching and what is merely a distraction taking up space and time. We must learn to choose love over “being right”. We must open ourselves up to the possibility of another way of being instead of running over the well worn tracks of isolation and fear.
We are good. To our cores, human beings are good. We see love and potential in our world, but sometimes it gets away from us. We need to see our own innate value because once we have, it’s impossible not to see it in others. And if we value ourselves and others as the unique and beautiful treasures that we are, we would surrender all the lies and the distractions. We would value whatever precious time we have here and fill it with love without worry of being taken advantage of or used. The scramble to the top would come to a halt because we would no longer see the use in holding others down to push ourselves up.
Save the world by the saving the precious gift that is our true natures.
Fear without understanding mutates into hatred. It makes us construct hierarchies of validity and importance. Our fear that we may someday find ourselves at the bottom of these hierarchies fuels the fires of isolation and hatred. We then separate ourselves from each other even further through violence, oppression and inaction.
Fear then becomes an instrument of control and manipulation. We use it to justify divisive words and cruel actions. Others use it to sway our decisions in what they perceive to be their own personal favor. But leading with fear never wins.
Fear of being alone, of going without, or of being forgotten. This spurs us on to make choices that are incongruent with the purity of love we are all cut from. Meet your fear with an open heart. Before your mind tries to protect you from it by finding someone to blame for your fear, try to see what message it has for you. What is your fear actually trying to tell you?
Know that you are worthy. Know that you are acceptable. Know that you are loved. When you truly know your own value, you can’t help but see the value in every other human. Having this deep love and respect for yourself is not about vanity or me-time. It’s much deeper, richer and unfailing. This kind of love will be the light of our darkest moments. It is a love that never leaves us, no matter what we’ve done. It is an unconditional love that we all deserve. Take it in for yourself and give it out to others. We all matter.
Much love to everyone. May we be safe. May we be peaceful. May we know our own goodness.
We’ve all experienced moments that are so difficult, we can’t do anything more than wish them away. We are so uncomfortable with our present experience that we choose harmful actions just to distract ourselves from the pain.
And this pain doesn’t even have to have a tragic cause to demand our attention and action. Boredom can be painful. Restlessness can be painful. Indecision can be painful.
What adds even further suffering to these moments is our rejection of them. We hate how they feel and want them to go away at any cost. We use distraction to hide from them. These can be obvious vices like drugs or alcohol, but it can also be more insidious diversions posing as living, such a drama or busyness. We deny ourselves peace in an attempt to avoid suffering.
The wretched truth is that we can’t avoid it. Moments of suffering, of feeling not quite okay, are going to happen. This pain can be physical, mental and emotional, and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to be okay with not being okay. And this even means making space for that refrain of It shouldn’t be like this.
This is an interesting balance to achieve: to be miserable, hate the misery but accepting that you hate it. It’s a bit of a mindfuck. And it starts to bring up questions about the point of even trying to make things better. I mean, if we’re just supposed to accept things as they are, including the fact that we hate things as they are, then how can change happen?
But accepting the present moment is a change. We stop fighting ourselves and how we feel. We instead turn inwards to our suffering and let it be as it is instead of trying to find an external solution. No distractions, no false pushes to just “feel better”. This is what creates space for the soothing gifts of gratitude and peace.
When someone begins to tell us about a personal struggle, the urge to solve, pacify or minimize their experience can become overwhelming. This reaction is born out of discomfort. It is hard to be with another person’s pain because we can feel helpless.
Solving other people’s problems can give us a false sense of control. This can be over the situation, the other person and even ourselves. And this knee-jerk reaction to regain the upper hand is not surprising. We want to be seen in a certain way, and other people’s problems present scenarios where we can play these desires out. Perhaps we want to be seen as strong, generous, wise or compassionate. And are any of these attributes really so terrible? I’d argue that they aren’t but the need for control that drives them can be.
When confronted with another person’s pain, we need to constantly be checking in with ourselves, especially before we offer any advice or solutions. This is especially true when the solution either asked for or offered by us requires us to jeopardize our own safety. This can be financial, emotional or even physical. People who are scared and in any kind of pain may react unkindly or deceptively to those trying to help. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like chelation therapy, where by being exposed to a suffering person’s mistreatment or manipulation you can somehow bind to their pain and neutralize it.
Instead, we need to choose the path of authentic and unconditional love. By constantly checking in with ourselves, we ensure that we are acting in a way that is genuine, instead of manipulative. We do not know what is best for another person. They do. What we can offer is enough love so that they can learn to trust themselves.
Making space for someone’s pain is hard. Sometimes this means listening and putting the mental origami of how you’re going to solve this person’s life aside. Other times, this means saying I love you but I can’t be here with you right now. That’s okay too. When we learn to offer another person the space to be with their own pain without the need to change it for our own comfort or preferences, we give ourselves the same gift of acceptance, as we are, in this very moment.
When we are hurt by another person’s actions or words, a small bit of relief can come from knowing that we were completely blameless, and that our anger, hurt and resentment are justified. And sometimes, that’s all it was. We were mistakenly caught in the crossfire of another person’s own pain and self-destruction, and it truly had nothing to do with us. But sometimes, these painful interactions are part of a larger pattern of which we are the common factor.
This is not to say that we deserve to be hurt or that we bring such suffering on ourselves because we just can’t learn from our past mistakes. Oh no. Not at all. Not never. No one deserves to be humiliated, belittled or hurt in any way by another person. But it does happen. We do get hurt. And it sucks. But what can make it suck slightly less is recognizing and acknowledging how this pain may be serving us.
For years, I was continually hurt and disappointed by a close family member’s actions. When I would share my experiences with others, I would get sympathy and even accolades for being so strong as to have lived through this other person’s recklessness and callousness. Now, looking back, I can see that I reveled in these responses. I was sane and thoughtful, juxtaposed perfectly against the crazy and selfishness of this person’s actions.
And I kept doing it. In one way or another, I would construct scenarios that were outwardly reasonable on my part, but deep inside, I knew that this person could never meet my expectations. And I’m not sure I really wanted them to.
Instead of looking where to hang the crown of blame, we can instead look for what these repeating patterns give us. In my case, it was sympathy, praise and if I'm completely honest, an excuse. Once we can see these gifts, we can start to reassess their value to us. There might even come a point when they no longer serve us and can be let go. This can make space for healing and offering ourselves the acceptance and love we truly desire.
When asked "Tell me about yourself", most of us will list our occupations, credentials and commitments as if a job or the fact that we have children is what gives us legitimacy as human beings. We explain how we fit into our homes, schools and societies. We highlight our contributions and connections as we try to deliver compelling evidence of our value.
Growing up, a combination of nature and nurture taught me to be useful. This could mean being funny and lighthearted, or doing well at something so as to become conversational fodder that reflected well on others. It could mean working hard or without complaint, or just staying out of the way. Whether these were attributes that those around me actually wanted or needed, I can’t really say for sure. But my young mind was constantly evaluating my worth based on the reactions I’d received from those around me. I developed a sense of what I thought made me valuable and harshly held myself and others up to these fabricated standards.
I still don’t know exactly what to say when asked to tell another person about me. I know this is often used as a conversational ice breaker or to be friendly, but it’s a terribly difficult question for me to answer truthfully. I have learned that I am not my job, but it is a convenient way to package myself. I have learned that I am not my personal relationships, but it can be clarifying or interesting to others to declare my marital status or to explain how children fit into my life. I have learned that I am not my hobbies, but these can be how I show others my individuality. If I am not my job, the people in my life, or how I would spend a free hour, then who or what am I and why am I here?
I would really love to say when asked "Tell me about yourself" that I am that part of your heart that sings good morning on a bright and sunny day. I am the warmth of a hug with a loved one. I am the calm of knowing it’ll all work out. I am part of everyone and everything, and everyone and everything is a part of me. That’s me and that’s you, and this is our shared value.
Whether it came from another person or from the constant internal commentary of our own minds, we have all been told to Cheer Up, in one way or another. At times, this might be the gentle push out of rumination that we need or it can be the lifeline we cling to just to make it to tomorrow. Oftentimes, however, it only serves to needlessly compound our suffering.
The habit of denying our pain is developed very young. We were learning how to fit in and along the way, we were taught about cry babies, to just grow up and of course, smile. When given such directives from another, it often seemed born out of frustration or anger. However when we peel away at it, just a little, we see that it was their own suffering that spurred them to offer such harsh and unyielding commands. These orders were given in an effort to ease the burden of their own helplessness when confronted with another person’s pain.
When we deny our difficult or painful emotions, we compound the belief that we are not acceptable by adding to our laundry list of what’s wrong with us. We then cling to the comfort and familiarity that the projection of competence affords us. We neglect our suffering, which gives it no choice but to grow and invade other parts of our lives. We yell at someone for a minor mishap. We neglect our bodies by over or under nourishing them. We try countless ways to distract ourselves from the epic meltdown within.
Some days, putting on a smile is the only tool we have, and it’s okay to use it with awareness. In doing so we honour the inherent suffering in being human and give ourselves permission to acclimate to it in whatever way feels the safest and most genuine at the time.
With time and compassionate practice, we might find we have more space for our pain. The good times become even sweeter as they are no longer tainted by dismissed suffering. Now that is something to be cheerful about.
Without being completely aware of it, we are often looking to one another for some kind of social cue. A smile can send out the message that we are friendly or that we are happy. Laughter says that we are free of stress. A straight ahead stare sends the message that we are in no mood to interact. While this exchange of social signals can be helpful at times, it can also be deceptive. For example, we see someone not smiling and suddenly our brain can go down any number of paths: What’s their problem? What did I do wrong? Am I boring them?
Throw in behavior on top of subtle facial tweaks and we are really in for it. The causes of behavior multiplied by the infinite interpretations of that behavior equals emotional chaos. We feel so out of control when someone’s demeanor or behavior does not meet our expectations of them. It is exhausting trying to behave in a specific way that will elicit the kind of responses we crave. Toss in some manipulative tendencies and the water gets even murkier. Through frustrating trial and error, we learn that it is impossible to control, coerce or love someone enough into responding to us the way we would like them to.
And exactly what is the response we are looking for? Acceptance. Always. When you boil it down, it is always acceptance.
We are social creatures and therefore how we treat each other matters. But we cannot base our self-worth on the world’s reaction to us because these reactions are so inconsistent. A smile does not always mean safe. An avoided gaze does not always mean dismissal. We cannot spend our precious time here dissecting every interaction to ascertain our worth. We must believe in our worth at all times. We must know that we are acceptable as we are. When we truly know this, the need to have it validated by others in a specific way is weakened.
This kindness to ourselves then becomes a gift to those around us. The people around us are free to be who they are in the moment, as we no longer need them to contort themselves in ways that we think reflects well on us. Our children can be a bit unruly, a good friend can be sad, our coworkers can be preoccupied...when we fully love and accept ourselves, we no longer require others to spend precious time and energy trying to be who they think we need them to be. They can just be themselves. Relationships become easier because we have put down the unsolvable algorithm of what we need others to do in order to make us happy. We have found our happiness in our self-acceptance, as we are, in this very moment.